You’ll notice I really like long blog titles.
It’s not that I can’t be brief. I can. There was my August blog. Very succinct.
One critic, and you know who you are, said ‘You call that a blog?”
I think they missed the nuances of wondering and wandering. Perhaps they put it down to spelling errors. Not possible, I was the Spelling Bee Queen in Primary School.
I also like long blog titles, I think they’re mysterious and enticing. Something there for everyone.
Welcome to The Eloquent Garden, where safety is Number One Priority.
Gardening is dangerous. That’s good, because Humans appear to be socialised to need a little danger. So how terrific if we have it close at hand, in our own backyard. We can wake up, feeling tetchy, a little trouble would ease that – and pop down into our garden.
That way we don’t have to go looking for trouble in other places.
I think many countries should have gardens, large ones, to keep them extra-busy. We could all donate plants to the most Troublesome Countries. Plants that take a lot of care. We could send the Instructions in another language, that’d keep them busy. They’d have to be a little humble and approach another country for the translation. Or Wikipedia.
I’m sure we could all make a list of Countries we’d like to send plants to, and the plants we’d send. Do send me those Lists, this could be World Peace.
Actually, I’m pretty sure that Tony A would be all the better for some robust gardening. He’s probably lose all desire for shirtfronting. And being in touch with nature, maybe he’d come to actually believe in Weather. Instead of thinking it doesn’t exist at all, except in the imaginations of female-treehuggers. And you can’t wear speedos in the garden, Crazy Russian Hacker would go ballistic at such a blatant disregard for doing it right.
But we do still need to dress well for Trouble. And if you’ve been ignoring this, so far, Crazy Russian Hacker would reprimand ‘You been doing it all wrong.
To date, Crazy Russian Hacker has told over 3 million followers they been doing it all wrong, in just about every circumstance. I’m amazed such a young man is so knowledgeable. He’s attractive and with a great Accent, it’s amazing he’s had the time to accumulate so many Life Skills.
But I notice he has been oddly silent on three things – Garden safety, Relationships and putting Swimming caps on properly. It’s a pity, because they’d be the two subjects where I’d really value his Direction. I try one, and on about the tenth lap, sometimes even the second lap, suddenly, trouble. My use of Swimming caps is similarly troubled.
And Crazy Russian Hacker does Direct. He is very confident. I think my favorite is “You been using alfoil all wrong.” And he was right! My alfoil usage is now very slick with complete lack of waste. Fantastic!
Gardening safety, though, I know all about. I can confidently tell you how you been doing it all wrong.
Welcome to The Eloquent Garden where safety is Number One Priority.
Good SPF clothes are necessary. I think we deal with trouble much better if we look good. Wear something like this.
You need to protect your feet. Here we have to think of protection against snakes, bindies, toads, spiders, ants, crocodiles.
We also need to protect our toenail polish.
We need to protect against Aliens. I have one in residence near my finger. Something undefinable, but visible on the Scan Xray, has settled there. We live reasonably peacefully. I wish it wasn’t there, though, I do admit. So, gloves, with maybe gloves inside those gloves.
And a hat. This one belonged to my Mum, I inherited all her old hats. They were mostly mint. Unworn. I think she hadn’t heard of Crazy Russian Hacker.
Now potting Mix is full of danger. Microorganisms. Danger. Fine particles. Big danger. Dust. Huge danger. Potting Mix is one of the most dangerous things in Earth. If you want to dice with Danger, Potting Mix is the answer. At least two people died last year from potting Mix.
We could send some of that to troublesome leaders too. !000 sq metres of it.
But you and I, we must be careful. Potting mix is the garden equivalent of spelunking.
I do look a bit dangerous. Would you let me into your bank? Probably, if you had a Bank of Qld, because they Love their customers. They remember their names, so they would know if I were a Stranger. Or Parliament? Probably not here.
I look as if I’m about to start up a Cult. I could of course, I think they still get tax exemption. Or is that in another country? Well we could call it a Micro-nation. Australia used to have quite a few. Overseas ones are more exciting, though. My favorites are “Copenian Empire’, run from a Caravan Park in Norfolk. The Cutely named ‘Dumpling Island.’ And “Filettino’ an Italian one started in protest against economic measures.
But anyway for both Cults and Micronations, you need a Catchy name. And Cult names follow a formula.
The name must have connotations of specialness, has to have something rare so people will send lots of money.
Like the ‘Magnificent Meal Movement’. They were ahead of their time. If they started now, their Cult Leader would have her own Cooking Show.
Also the Cult really should sound as though being a member has the strong possibility (apart from unforeseen circumstances of course, like unexpected death) that you will probably , definitely, if you do everything right, live forever.
And it has to have to a good acronym. That’s so the Press will enjoy referring to it. That way you get free publicity. A good acronym is Gold.
PUP is good. The Press have had lots of fun, lots of puns with that one.
So does that mean Crazy Russian Hacker is a cult leader? He is very prescriptive. And charismatic. But his acronym fails the Cult Test. CRH. No, not cultish. Very knowledgeable though.
If I started a Cult. I could call it for instance, The Eternal Garden of Perfect Order and Knowledge. TEGOPOK. Sounds like a very cute game. You see, even my choice of cult names is lengthy. I’m open to it, if you’ve got a better suggestion. This would be a democratic Cult. Only up to a point, of course.
I think that’s it for my cautionary Garden tale. Avoid aliens taking residence in your body. Cover up. Wear SPF 50 sunbloc. I like Nivea. It glows attractively as well as having good staying power. Watch out for crocodiles.
Oh yes. And keep the lid on your water bottle. It’s a terrible sensation to take a swig of water, then as you swallow, feel, sense, something… beyond watery. With more substance. Slimy-ish. Indefinable, and somehow very wrong.
Check out Crazy Russian Hacker. He’s Olympic Standard cautionary.
A favorite tweeter @Kelsye posted a quote from Mary Oliver “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’
What are we doing with our one and only special life?
I know a Film-maker. Emma Rozanski. Who’s worked passionately, determinedly, without wavering, since she was 14 years old. I know, because she’s my Daughter.
This is what she wants to do with her one Precious life. Write and make Films. Films that will change the world. Films that leave the possibility for her audience to wonder, think, interpret, take into themselves.
So, there’s another cautionary tale afoot. A very different tale. Emma’s making her debut film set in Sarajevo. ‘A cautionary tale about apathy’. And Papagajka. And many other things.
Check out her Vimeo and the well-researched interview by Wellywoodwoman.blogspot.co.nz/2014/11/aussie-emma-rozanskis-sarajevo-film.html
Also look at indiegogo.com/projects/papagajka/x/6292786 This campaign only runs for 4 more days! A great chance to support her first feature Film, in different ways.
Emma says ‘by hook or by crook, this film will be made!’
One thing this means is that she’s got a very limited number of Crocodile Teatowels to add other unique and fabulous perks for donations! Check it out.